Tale of Two Bitties

It was a cold summer's day of 1979 when I met a couple from Toronto. They seemed happy enough with their eyes brighter than Christmas, but i didn't let the smell get to me, not yet anyway. We walked side by side for a while through downtown Philadelphia until I couldn't take it anymore and I just had to ask, " Your love is going to end, you know that right?" I couldn't take any more of their lovey-dovey horse shit. I had seen too much shit in this city to smile at their cuteness. I had been in love once, a long time ago. But I wasn't about to go taking a frolic through memory lane. No I had much more important things to do with my time. I flicked the long worn out cigarette into some gutter near my parked car, and got in. I knew there was only one place I could take this fight. Really only one place to get any of the answers I wanted, I knew id have to go to China Town on the eastside, that’s where I would find "Him".

I popped the clutch and threw my foot on the gas. The moonshine I drank that morning struck me color blind, so I didn’t mind that I ran a red light and hit some black dude crossing the street, hopefully the bumper shredded a few pound of his fat ass, I would have to get the wheels aligned later. I tore off and headed for the "Ungrateful Panda", a local China Town restaurant where my primary mission was. Little was given to brief me about my mission. I parked right outside the entrance and entered the restaurant, it suddenly went quiet and all the slant eyed fucks were all starring at me. Cover. What was cover these days?

It had been years since I've had gone on an Ops mission where I was actually secret. That terrible time in '72 when I was in the orient again. Another time memory lane wasn't about to be visited. But the moral of the story was, I shouldn't be surprised when I get fucked by the Intel guys. Messing around with their dicks behind computers while hard men like me where out on the field. Men like me who had lost everything for this country, that was now tearing itself apart by the lax in immigration laws. Men who had given up their name, and their past, to be faceless weapons of war. Who were then fed shit Intel so the geeks back at Comms could watch my dot disappear, and they could erase all my files like I never existed. I was going to decide to play it cool. Sit down, eat some grub, and get out of there like I’m not there to do anything. I sat down at the first shitty table that was empty and looked at the menu and for a waitress. When some crazy Jap or Chinese fuck stood up and yelled " UNGAWA BITCHES!" He was clearly drunk, but I took this as a sign he was my contact. I walked to the bar and took a seat next to Squinty McGee, and ordered him a drink. "Lemme get a bottle for my friend and I, and some of that gook food you're so fond of..." "Heeey, thanks round-eye!" Squinty looked around and whispered, “The girl you’re after is in the kitchen.” I kinda sat back and thought, “My mission is this girl?” I couldn’t think of anything to say but I knew Squinty McGee was waiting for an answer, “Well Squinty of course she’s in the kitchen, that’s where she belongs!” I said it so loud though that a big burly man of grizzly bear stature came up to me and said, “You got a problem with Tits?" the overly large man asked. Tits? I thought, Tits. Content with this name, or at least the name this sack of shit in front of me called her, I played along. "No problem with her. Just need to say a few words." My rather drunk contact next to me yelled. "Tits!!! Tits is the tits of the town! TITS MCGEE IF YOU WILL!! WOOOO" I turned to him "calm down yellow man" I nodded to the Burly man as I made my leave towards the kitchen. I reached in the back of my pants behind my coat, and turned off the safety to my M9 pistol.

Rarely have I ever gotten a mission to take out a girl. But my missions weren't for the ones that shit their pants. That was a fact you could take to the bank. I pushed through the double doors into the kitchen and saw her standing there. I now no longer wondered why they called her tits. She sure as hell didn’t have double d's. But they were very well formed, and she knew this, that’s why they were being shown off in her blouse. After the quick look up and down I simply asked her. "Hey, are you Tits?" she slowly turned to me, like a slow motion drama movie where the protagonist see's the woman he falls in love with. Except this woman was about to get a hole the size of a quarter through her skull. "Is that what they told you? I’m not surprised after all I’ve been through, they would degrade me with some name like that. My name is Chetz and I’m your contact." I was slightly doubtful she was my 'contact' since every yellow bellied fuck out there new who I am, I wouldn’t doubt she knew too. She was probably going to lead him on like she was his contact, and kill him. Then run into the 'wild' so to speak, I know all their tricks, and I am not going to wait for her to execute hers. I said to her coolly "What’s for dinner?” And she replied, “Um I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I pulled out my M9 and said, “How bout some Kung Pow Chicken bitch!” I backslapped her into the next dimension, as though if that wasn’t enough my partner was suffocated to death by an enormous pair of blouse bunnies 3 years prior. The notorious Areola Clan was obviously back in town to finish the job and kill me too! Well I wasn't having it, not with out getting mine... Dazed and confused, her head swiveled around like a bobble head. I ripped off her shirt and let those puppies loose, that’s when I saw her badge, snuggled close to those lovely lady lumps....."My God I love Tits" I was stunned, but only for an instant. I couldn't think any more, and I couldn't let the tits dazzle me.

I put the M9 against her head and pulled the trigger. Blood showered the kitchen tile, and I ran out of there like a Jew out of Berlin. I took the next right out of the alleyway and ended up near my car. I looked around casually and walked towards my car to seem inconspicuous. The burly man was rushing out of the kitchen door I had just left. Time to make my break. I flung myself into the car and started it. The burly man ran out into the road as I was speeding down it with his hands up. Sorry buddy, I’m not going to stop. I plowed through the man going roughly 40. I didn’t think it would kill him until I saw his leg and arm fly off over the car completely severed. I sped down the dimly lit street with not a glance backwards. I turned down a few more streets and parked outside one of my safe houses. It was a little close to the crime, but I was going to be out of this state in a matter of hours, so it didn’t bother me. As soon as I shut the door behind me and then my apartment phone rang. I picked it up to listen to the distorted voice of my employer telling me "Meet me at the Town Hall at 8pm.” The phone hung up without warning. I was skeptical at first. “8pm is only 2 hours away.” I thought to myself.
I scouted out the meeting spot, checking out the surrounding and noticed a shadowy figure atop the stairs of Town Hall, so I ran up the stairs Rocky Style and slowly began to pull out my M9. “Who are you?” I asked. The shady character was in an overcoat that seemed vaguely familiar but before I began another trip down memory lane he turned around quickly in super slo – mo then he began shooting his oozy like it was no tomorrow. Without thinking I sharted, diving with my M9 drawn I squeezed off two rounds, connecting with his hand and hip. He yelled and crumpled to his side, I rushed over to him and kicked the oozy away from him keeping my gun on him. "WHO SENT YOU!" The man started to laugh, ironically clutching his side, I guess I left him in stitches I laughed to myself. I proceeded to take out my knife but the sirens weren't far off.

All of a sudden There was a zipping sound and the man below me was pulled back and up the stairs. He flew so fast that he hovered over the stairs and then flew straight up and over the building. 'Wires?' I thought to myself as the continuing sound of police sirens were getting closer. Time to get out of here I thought. I picked up the other mans gun and realized it was empty, I tossed it aside and ran back to my car. Which happened to be the most badass car in the world which was the Reliant Robin, best 3 wheeled car ever! It was man's man car, and suitable choice for the daunting task lying ahead. I sped off into the countryside whilst being followed by an all black SUV. It turned dark and I've been traveling for about 3 hours now and I haven't seen a town or stop since I left the god forsaken city. I needed to get away and fast, and as I was thinking of how cool it would be if I found a plane to fly in, I suddenly saw a control tower, there must be an airport close by. I gunned it and pushed my tri-wheeled beast into a wheelie, sparks flying out the ass, Del Boy got nothin' on me! I plowed through the gate to the runway, careening toward the hangars. Parking my car Ace Ventura style I rolled to the front door and let myself in, but what I saw will haunt me to this day...I saw Sara Jessica Parker strapped into the seat already. To this day I still don't know why she was there. "Ugly donkey faced transvestite you are gonna weigh me down!" So I capped her before she could say a word. My god was she ugly. I think I did the world a favor, I threw her body off out of the airplane's cockpit and onto the ground. Anyways, I was getting ready in this P-51 Mustang I was about to fly in. I checked all the controls, but before I took off I had to make sure Sara Jessica Parker was dead, and as I was about to pull out my 9 inch wiener to urinate and desecrate her body with a

The Outsiderer

I had to write an essay, I'm pretty sure it was one of those timed essays for like a final. This was for English Composition. I got an A on it. So thats pretty awesome. The topic was, "How to make America better" and so I wrote:

To make America better most people would think to add something, an idea, or something Americans should add to their lifestyle. Instead we should make America better by removing some ideas and some aspects from out everyday lives. Other countries frown upon Americans for what we do and believe in. The other countries and culture don't understand why we do things unnecessarily. For example, only in America where one would see us putting useless junk in our garages and park our expensive cars outside them. Other people don't understand why Americans do that and to be honest, most Americans themselves don't know why they do that either. It is those kind of ways about our culture that we can better ourselves by removing unnecessary ideas as such.

Americans can't ask themselves what can be removed from their culture. They should ask an outsider, someone who can be honest and tell us how to make America better. We should ask what they think of us and in turn we should prepare for a long list of ideas from the outsider. Of course, this long list of how to make America better is coincidentally the same or almost same list as our "Stereotypes". It's hard for an American to make the list because they would be proud of some of the stereotypes and that is perfectly fine but if getting rid of it will make America then then it should be rid of. It's between self dignity or America. An American would argue that getting rid of some ideas would make us less American and we'd lose our American identity. Not necessarily, we as Americans always put an American style or twist on everything we come across. For example, hamburgers and hot dogs. Those were invented in Germany but all of a sudden Americans made it into an aspect in our lives such as bbq's, baseball games and so on. Americans put their style on anything like music, food, and clothing.

An outsider doesn't even have to study our culture to know what to put on the list. The outsider mentions a study that was done in the United States. The study was testing if a pizza could be delivered to a house before an ambulance get there. In one of those tests it found that indeed a pizza was delivered before an ambulance arrived. Americans would be skeptical of the statement but at the same time might take a step back and say, "wait, maybe the pizza delivery was faster..." The sad thing is that the statement is not true. The true study was if a person believed it or had to think about it. It's sad to think that a pizza guy could get to a house before an ambulance could, it's even sadder for us to think hmmm maybe it did.

That was basically the essay, as I was typing it, it was super confusing and really boring, so sorry if you read this far, and if you didn't, then thanks again douchemonger.

I was Asked...

It was the end of the school day when I was asked, "What is more believable, Vampries or Zombies?" I thought for a bit and thought about what makes a Vampire. A Vampire is immortal, bloodthirsty, and extremely pale looking. Zombies are a slow moving terror with loud moaning and are human hungry. I told the girl who asked me that I think zombies are more believable. She quickly turned around and started asking everyone around her. I was listening in and was really surprised when I heard that more people believe that Vampire's are more believable than Zombies. I thought that was pretty dumb that they think that Vampires are more believable than Zombies. Class was dismissed and I had to walk home.

I had to walk through downtown. I heard loud moaning behind me, I didn't think much of it so I continued walking home. The moaning became louder and louder behind me. I look this time only to see a line of zombies behind me. There must've been 100 of them. I soon found out that these Zombies weren't actually zombies. They were just a whole lot of people dressed all haggard doing an Annual Zombie Walk. I was so mad, "What the H-E-Double hockey sticks!" I thought I was going crazy. I almost thought for a second that those were real zombies. They were really well dressed. I mean they had real blood from their mouths and huge realistic gashes on their arms and stuff. I continued walking home and everyday I walk past this weird old plantation. It's like mega old. Today was weird because it became dark already, it was like 4pm and it was scary dark and eerie. I was pretty sure I was alone.

I walked pass this dark alley way and there was a dumpster sticking out of the alley. Then I heard a sound behind me. Turned around to see what it was, but nothing was there, I turned back around, BAM! Tom Cruise is all up in my face. "Dang it, Tom Cruise, what are you doing?" I asked.
"Do you wanna become immortal?" He asked.
He was dressed up in an old french outfit or something, it was super dirty. He had fangs glued to his teeth. I was still flabbergasted at the fact that Tom Cruise is right in front of me. All of a sudden he lunges towards me and starts making out with my neck.
"Dude c'mon, stop being weird!"
I pushed him off and started running. I didn't want to run back to my house. Because I didn't want Tom Cruise to know where I live. I went to my neighbors house and knocked on the door. I looked around to see if Tom Cruise was behind me. The door opened and I ran right in.

"Are you ok?" She asked.
My neighbor happened to be that same girl who thought Vampire's were real. "Yeah I'm good," I didn't want to tell her what happened.
"Hey, what's that on your neck?" she asked.
She was pointing at my neck and I totally forgot in my panic that Tom Cruise made out with my neck.
"Is that a hickey on your neck, haha!" She laughed hysterically.
"Yeah, I got it from Tom Cruise, he's a friggen weirdo" I said.
"Wait, Tom Cruise, he gave you a hickey?" she asked
"Yeah, he was dressed up and tried to suck blood out of my neck but ended up giving me a hickey."

We settled down and kept talking about my Tom Cruise incident. I got up to check the window to see if anyone was out there. I cracked apart the blinds just barely and on the sidewalk I saw a shadowy figure.
"Dude, thats Brad Pitt!" My neighbor exclaimed.
He was just standing there looking at the ground. I saw something behind him, it was running really fast. It was Robert Pattinson!

He tackled Brad Pitt in the front yard. They fought for a while until Taylor Lotner showed up. Brad Pitt and Robert Pattinson both ran away scared. Taylor started coming towards the house like he's a macho man. My friend ran straight for the door. I tried stopping her but it was too late. I stayed in the living room because I didn't want to be part of whatever was going on. She came back in the living room looking upset.

"Whats wrong? I asked her.

"He just went up to me and bragged about him and Taylor Swift, broke my heart." she said.

I asked her if she wanted to get some dinner. Because I had no intention of going home until celebrities stop harassing me. I mean seriously stupid Tom Cruise started all this. I can't believe he gave me a hickey.

We didn't have a car or anything. So we walked. We didn't know what to eat. We were almost to Teriyaki Chicken Bowl when we were suddenly stopped by Wesley Snipes. He just starred at us behind his sunglasses. Who wears sunglasses during the night. He just smiled and whipped out a sword, he was setting to swing at us, "Duck!" I said. He swung and hit something behind us. It was Kate Beckinsale. She was just murdered behind us by Wesley Snipes.

"Why do all these celebrities think they are Vampires!" I exclaimed.
"Maybe because they really are Vampires, except Tom Cruise, he's just weird haha I can't stop laughing about it." My friend said

We started running for Teriyaki Chicken Bowl, but Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise were standing at the entrance while Wesley Snipes and Robert Pattinson were following behind us.

All these wanabee Vampires surrounded us. We were legitimately scared for our lives. One, its super creepy that these celebrities are acting like this and two Vampires aren't real. My friend begs to differ.

We stood still waiting for whatever is going to happen next. Little did we know how much weirder it was about to get.

It was really silent for a while until we all heard loud moaning. It was growing louder by each second. We look towards Teriyaki Chicken Bowl and saw Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were still there. We turned around and saw Zombies eating Wesley Snipes and Kate Beckinsale. We look towards Teriyaki Chicken Bowl and see that Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were also being mauled by Zombies.

"Holy cow, Ninja Zombies!" My friend said.

Turns out that the zombie walk were actual zombies. That was the beginning of the end for humankind. All because of Tom Cruise turned weird.